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10 signs you should end your relationship

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Some relationships are simply fantastic, light as a feather and rock solid at the same time, deep love and solidarity, life, ideas and dreams shared. One thing is clear: stay, stay together, possibly forever.

Other relationships are a nightmare for years. The partner, a junkie, sits there, without a shower for three weeks, at the breakfast table with a syringe in one arm and his underage affair in the other, everything in front of the children, and when he has his arms free, the family will be hit. in addition to the nasty insults that make spit fly and shatter self-esteem. Another clear thing: walk, run as fast as you can.

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Still other relationships are in between. Some things go well and some things go badly. Perhaps a quiet ailment, for many years. Maybe a loud bang, regularly, and truce in between. Or the longing for more emotion and more adventure, for a new life. The matter is less clear then.

Too good to go // Too bad to stay

If the case is unclear, we like to make a pros and cons list in our head or on paper, and there is something on both sides and we are still at a loss: which weighs heavier, which lighter - that he brings flowers every Wednesday or she likes to get down on her knees a little after a hard day ... or that he hasn't had her for years so or she refuses to emigrate to Siberia for him and his dream?

The pros and cons list just doesn't work there. The fog stays or even thickens.

Questions that shed light on the fundamentals of the relationship can create more clarity.

The following ten of a total of 36 questions come from Mira Kirshenbaum, psychotherapist and author of “Should I go, should I stay?” (I found them on blogger Steve Pavlina). Kirshenbaum developed these questions when in her practice she accompanied couples who were unsure whether to stay together or separate. She examined how they assessed their decision a few years later and how relationships would develop if they stayed together.

"How to let go of worries, stress and self-doubt"

10 questions that shed light on the darkness

You don't have to count your yes and no to the questions.

We're not at a women's magazine here (that's why so few beetroot recipes and red carpet stuff here).

And besides, every single “no” in itself is reason enough to end the relationship or at least seriously question it, says Kirshenbaum.

So here they are, the 10 knockout questions:

  1. If everyone you care about - God, your children, your friends, your parents - gave their permission to separate ... would you still stay with your partner? The worst reasons to stay together are remorse and fear of how people around you might react.
  2. Are your needs in the relationship met without you having to fight for them? We fight enough outside of the relationship. It should be a place where we can recharge.
  3. Do you genuinely like your partner, do you like him as a person and he like you? If you can't think of him as a friend, why should you think of him as a partner?
  4. Do you respect your partner and he respect you as an individual? Does he keep your personal limits, does he give you freedom, does he let you be as unique as you are?
  5. Do you feel sexually attracted to your partner? If you're 95 years old, this point probably doesn't matter anymore ... but it's been a long time.
  6. Do you see yourself when you look your partner in the eye? Do you feel a deep connection and that you belong together?
  7. Is your partner behaving in such a way that you can live with it (or could if you turned a blind eye)? Unacceptable behavior that you swallow also destroys your relationship with yourself. Because every time your partner cheats, for example, you show yourself: “I don't deserve it better”.
  8. Can you forgive your partner and he can forgive you? Neither of us is perfect. If you can't forgive yourself, digs open up over time that make you more lonely than any single existence (recently snapped up: "After 30 years of marriage, every word my wife annoys me, every word!").
  9. Do you and your partner have fun together? If Aunt Helga's funeral was more joyful than the relationship, then not only Aunt Helga is dead.
  10. Do you and your partner have common dreams and plans for the future? If you don't see a common future, you don't need a common present.

All questions have a common core:

Are you doing better in the long run with or without this relationship?

If you want to get through a breakup well, the myMONK book will help you: How to overcome a breakup and start a new life. See also: 10 thoughts when you want to let go of your ex and What your heart wants to tell you (incredible studies + practice)and

Photo: Ben Raynal

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