G-eazy when it's dark, meaning live
Sometimes life is terrible. People who are close to you disappear. Some deliberately keep their distance, devalue the time together down to the last crumb and leave a crater. Others leave forever and involuntarily.
Every time I stand there, bewildered and helpless and look after them for a long time in one way or another, tears in my eyes, a thousand questions in my head.
A clarification of the questions is seldom possible and my part of self-reflection, my doubter, doesn't let me stop thinking about whether and if what I might have done wrong. I then go through everything, statements, gestures, letters or emails, check every syllable, every memory, question myself, separate myself as a friend and sit down with myself again, critically, mercilessly.
Only when I am through with myself, have considered, noted, thought through and discussed my possible shares, do I begin to doubt the other person as well. I then look at everything again, from a different perspective, less critical, but also without the criticism of myself, which previously blocked my view of what the other did, said, wrote. I examine the time I had with him, the words, the actions and the way of "saying goodbye". Over and over again, just like I dismantled before.
All of this takes weeks, sometimes months, during which I keep digging up these "bones" like a dog with short breaks and then chewing on them for hours until I bury them again. This process is painful, but also full of knowledge about myself and the other.
Each time this leads to new insights about me, about my understanding of friendship, about the behavior of others. The ups and downs of feelings are worth it every time. The price I pay has never been too high, has always given me something important and led to changes that have made my life better, or maybe just different?
In the end, I say goodbye in my own way.
Always final, always unambiguous, clear and tidy. In peace with me
People who leave forever involuntarily are harder to let go. There is only me here, because I cannot dissect or analyze these people; that would not do them justice, unlike those who are still alive. I try to anchor these people after I've finished with all that I should have said and done. I look at pictures, read letters and emails, remember words and deeds and try to fit them into my life in such a way that they cannot be lost. These people become part of me, live in me, continue with me.
Sometimes they may sit on the clouds above me, look down and recognize parts of what they have given me in my life, a little in my behavior or my statements and feel the vitality that I live with and through them.
Take care! It was a valuable time with you! Thank you for letting me spend it with you. No matter how and why you left, if you feel it is time, that's how it is and you have to go. I let go of you and only keep my little copied, learned, experienced part ... of you!
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